UPDATE: Our Fertility Journey

The day has finally come.  The first day of the last step of our final IVF cycle.

(read more about our journey here (this is a 5 part series), Update I, Update II, Update III)

Today our 7 little zygotes are being removed from the freezer and will be thawed.  Within hours, we will know how many survived the thawing process.  Within days, we will know how many embryos we will transfer.  Within weeks, we will know the outcome of our journey.  And all of that has hit me hard this week.

I’m not sure that the word “overwhelmed” even begins to capture how I’m feeling.  I had a check up on Monday morning and I have been extremely emotional since then.   I’m happy…happy that it is finally time.  I’m excited…so excited I allowed myself to looking at cribs and think about nursery design).  I’m nervous…nervous to learn how many will survive the thawing process. I’m scared…scared that the quality will be the same as my last 2 cycles.  I’m hopeful…very hopeful THIS IS OUR TIME!

I know I have to stay positive and, trust me, I have been since our retrieval in June.  I’ve had this gut feeling that this is going to work this time.  I’m going to get pregnant this time.  I’m going to be a mom.  Rudy is going to be a dad.  We are going to be parents.  But, I’m only human and I’ve struggled this week to not think about the other outcome.  In every aspect of my life, I always prepare for disappointment.  When I hurt, I hurt deep.  And this…this will more than hurt me; this will break me.

So, while I always try to stay strong and avoid asking for help; today, I ask for your prayers. Pray that our zygotes survive the thawing process.  Pray they develop into healthy embryos. Pray that we have a smooth transfer.  Pray for the doctors taking care of us.  Pray for us.  We need to be lifted up, so any thought or any prayer would be more than welcomed and appreciated.

God, I trust in your plan for us.  I know that only You control what is going happen.  So today, I pray:

“You know my deep desire for a child
A little one to love and to hold, to care for,
to cherish. Grant that my body may conceive
and give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby in
Your holy image.
Guide me in all my choices so that this
conception, my pregnancy and my baby’s birth
are in line with Your will.
Heavenly Father and Holy Mother,
hear this prayer of my heart, mind and spirit.

With all my love,


Update: Our Fertility Journey

Happy Friday, friends!

I can’t believe it’s been 6 weeks since my last update, but I don’t have much to share since the retrieval.

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been taking Lupron Depot since the beginning of July and the only side effect that I have experienced are HOT FLASHES.   That’s right, in the middle of summer with all of this humidity, I’ve been dealing with a roller coaster of sweats and chills.  I have at least one an hour, but in most cases I have 2 to 3 an hour.  They start with a burning sensation in my forehead and work down my entire body.   I know it’s gross but I get beads of sweat on my face, neck, arms, legs, stomach…all over.  I even sweat through my shirt sometimes…disgusting.  Once the hot flash passes, I get cold.  That repeats throughout the day and the night.  I haven’t slept well in over two months.

We went to the doctor on August 1st for a mock transfer and to discuss next steps for our zygotes.  I will admit, I was a little shocked about how that conversation went.  In my mind, we were going to have multiple IVF tries with the 7 frozen zygotes, which was really comforting.  I had never been through the thawing process, so I assumed that we would have several transfers.  Well, I was wrong.

Apparently, there is an 80% survival rate for thawed zygotes, which means we will end up with 5 or 6.  They will then develop for 3 days before the clinic tests them for quality.  At that time, the doctor will make a decision to either transfer or allow the embryos to develop until day 5.  Based on the history of how my embryos develop, the doctor thinks we will transfer day 3 and depending on the quality, we will transfer what we can.

I was shocked and I instantly started to worry.  This is it.  This is our final round of IVF and rather than having multiple transfers, we will have just one.  This is the end of our journey to have a biological child and that is so scary.  Rather than allow myself to stress and worry about it, I turned all of my energy into positive thoughts.  Since that day, I haven’t allowed myself to think anything but good things.  This is going to work.  We are going to get pregnant.  We are going to have a baby.   I continuously turn to God for comfort and strength.  I read my daily devotion as a reminder that He has a plan for us and I have to trust in that plan.

September is a big month for us.  On Tuesday the 30th of August, I go in for ultrasound/blood work and I start estrogen patches.  I’m on the patches for several weeks until I start progesterone oil shots on September 15th.  Our zygotes will be thawed on the 16th and transfer will be either the 18th or 20th.  I can’t believe it’s so close.  I’m so excited!

Thank you again for all of your love and support.  I’ll update you all again once we have transfer date.

With all my love,


3 things on my mind

As I prepare for my egg retrieval tomorrow, I thought it was the perfect time to share a few things on my mind. Let’s be honest, every thought on my mind is related to my IVF cycle, but here are few that keep running through my mind.

  1. What if this doesn’t work?  I will admit this is my biggest fear.  I’m not sure I am ready to accept that as my reality but I continuously warn myself that I may have to face it in the near future.  This process has taught me to be cautiously optimistic.
  2. I wish Rudy was here with me. Unfortunately, he had a work trip pop up.  When we started this process, we were thinking the retrieval would be the first week of July and we knew he would be back by then.  Well, things didn’t quite work out that way and now he will not be here during retrieval.  Although he is not physically here, he will be thinking about me and sending lots of love and prayers my way.
  3.  Regardless of what happens this time, God has a plan for us.  My devotion a few days ago read: “I am with you continually, so don’t be intimidated by fear.  Though it stalks you, it cannot harm you, as long as you cling to My hand. Keep your eyes on Me, enjoying Peace in My Presence.”  That is all I can do.  I have my eyes set on Him and know that he will guide us through this.

I don’t like asking for help but if you happen to read this, I just ask that you say a quick prayer that all goes well tomorrow.  This is the first step in our final attempt to have a biological child.

Giving it all to God!